a firework

 right now, time and i are in a fight.

i feel like every time i blink, i open my eyes and it's a month later.

i mean, really.... november already?

how is that possible?

life feels like it is just swirling past me,

a list of un-checked to-dos and things i wish i could have done.

desperately trying to savor the moments with my children,

and yet i frequently end up cleaning instead of cuddling.

yup.  

i don't like time much.

today, especially, i feel it.

because just yesterday,

my life looked like this:

a brand-new baby girl in my arms,

tiny(ish) and helpless.

her entire life ahead of her.  and me.

(i had to post this picture. seriously.  do you see the rolls that little girl came out with? 

she is going to hate me someday for that one ;)

but today, i woke up to this:

five candles on her cake.

a big girl before me.

time... where have you gone?

that's not to say i want to go back...

i have five years of precious memories with this little girl,

and i absolutely adore who she is today.

but i sure wish i could slow things down.

freeze time for just a bit so i can take in every minute.

because this is one special little lady.

isabella kristan,

you are my little firework.

you shine and sparkle, dazzling everyone who meets you.

you absolutely light up my life.

you love dresses- especially ones that twirl. the color pink. your brother and sister. macaroni and cheese. drawing (which you have gotten so good at this year!). your scooter. anything that sparkles. roly-poly bugs. picking flowers. sugar, sugar and more sugar. snuggles. bubble baths. building sand castles. helping me cook. doc mcstuffins. disneyland. soft things. sticks. your 'kitty' boots. swimming. your long, 'rapunzel' hair. being in charge. the ipad. my little pony. babies. getting dirty. decorating. snacks. 

like a firework, you can also be, well, explosive.

you live life with passion.

when you don't like something, you REALLY don't like it.

such as:

anything tight.  seatbelt buckles. jackson calling you 'isabelly'. getting out of the bath. vegetables. pants.  getting in trouble. sharing. having your nails cut. shots. going potty. the dark. being told no.  and sometimes being told yes. cleaning up. being confined. going to bed. 

you are a lover of all animals.

if you see a dog, you MUST pet it.

this year you got your first pet that was all your own...

a hamster, and you loved her dearly.

(sadly... cupcake the hamster died,

and her sucessor, cotton candy, is now missing in our house somewhere.)

two months ago, 

you started school for the first time.

we are beyond proud of you-

you can already write all your letters and your numbers 1-10.

you are learning how to be a good friend and work hard.

it seems as though everyday you learn something new.

i love having discussions with you as you explore new vocabulary -

especially coming up with a word to describe your day other than 'good'.

you LOVE princesses.  right now your favorite is merida from brave.

you love playing dress-up but get really frustrated when the dresses are scratchy.  

being a princess is hard.

lately, i've been looking at you and just marveling.

you are a person.

no longer a toddler.

but a little girl,

full of thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

you are compassionate and kind.

funny and exuberant.

shy in new situations.

intelligent and intuitive.

strong and independent.

creative and competitive.

you are full of questions about life,

and you want to make the most of every minute.

you challenge me.

frustrate me.

encourage me.

motivate me.

day by day,

i can see more of the woman God is forming you to be.

being your mommy isn't always easy, but it's always good.

 i wouldn't take back a single moment with you,

and i love you beyond explanation.

exactly the way you are.

so time... just back up a bit, okay?

i don't want to rush past this.

because just yesterday,

she was a toddler, and then a three year old, a four year old, 

and now... 

a whole handful of fingers held up.

five.

5.

yep. five perfect, precious years.

keep shining brightly, little firework,

.....filling my life with oohs and aahs.

have a SUPER halloween!

happy halloween from the bachman family!

we decided on a superhero theme this year:

jackson is captain america, isabella is wonder woman, and charlotte is catwoman...

ready to rid the world of evil- and candy!

have a wonderful night, and don't steal too many treats from your kids :)

(don't know why it won't let me center... oh well! ;)

for more halloween cuteness, check out the bachmanville photography blog.

i got to photograph 40+ adorable kiddos in their costumes this year!

how soon is too soon?

well, we're a week into school already.

we're getting into the rhythm of packing lunches,

waking before dawn to get everyone up and ready,
and finding the best parking spots for drop off/pick up.

i'm officially ready for summer vacation ;)

just kidding.
it's been great, and i LOVE that the kids are both
happy going to school everyday.
love, love, love that.

we believe that God specifically placed us in these schools for a reason.
with all the homes we looked at,
this is where He has us.

i also strongly believe that it is our calling,
as believers in Christ,
to be a light in our schools.
i hear over and over about all the negative things happening in public schools,
and i want to be a part of fixing that.
shining light in a dark place.
isn't that what we are supposed to do?

in a situation like a school setting,
i think it's important to really focus on relationships-
both with teachers and other parents.
becoming friends with the parents of our children's friends,
and praying for opportunities to share Jesus
or just serve them like He would.

all of this has always sounded great, in theory.
and then we had jackson.

i've shared a little bit about jackson's difficulty in forming relationships with his peers.
for the most part, adults seem to love him.
(because he's the cutest little boy on the planet, right?)
and younger kids like him, too.
(because developmentally he's more on their level).

but in the last two years, we are noticing that kids his own age
do not connect with him.
it has been super hard for my mommy heart to watch,
but i also understand why.
he does not communicate in the same way they do,
nor is he interested in the same things as them.
especially the boys.
he doesn't like sports, doesn't like legos, doesn't like star wars.
sometimes we try to MAKE him watch things like superhero shows
just so he will have something to talk to the other kids about.
(and because jeff totally geeks out about his kids loving superheroes, too :)

last year was rough,
everyday watching kids go on playdates with one another,
and having none of the other children want to play with him.
again, i get it.  but that doesn't make it less hard.

harder in some ways is that i'm not sure if he sees it or not.
he will happily say hello to other children,
and doesn't seem to notice when they turn away or dismiss him.
but he has told me before that certain kids aren't his friends because they won't play with him.
so maybe he gets it a little?
not sure.  but i am waiting for the day when he does get it.
that will be a sad day.

all that being said,
i went into this year with heaviness on my heart for him.
i so want him to make some little friends to play with,
and in turn, for me to build relationships with.
i have spent a LOT of time praying that my jackson will have some great little friends in first grade.

i watched the first few days as he lined up at his classroom,
but didn't really interact with the other children.
he had told me owen was his best friend,
but then they didn't talk to each other...
i think owen just got lucky sitting across from him :)

and then...
while asking questions about school,
i asked who he ate lunch with.
"caitlin" he replied.
"she's my friend."

for two days i asked about who he played with,
and he always replied "caitlin."
i asked him to point her out to me when i picked him up,
 concerned that this was another 'friend' who he liked,
but didn't necessarily love him back.

so he brought caitlin over
(and she is pretty much sheer adorableness)
along with her mommy.
caitlin's mommy introduced herself and said,
"so we're going to be in-laws?"
apparently caitlin loves jackson just as much as he loves her :)

we sat on the playground for about fifteen minutes,
and i got to talk to her mommy, along with two others that she was friends with.
it . was . awesome.
because all this new-ness is kinda intimidating for me, too.
so having friendly faces and names to put with them makes school fun for me and jackson :)

i am excited about the new relationships that are forming,
along with the others that have yet to start.
but i am struggling with a question that has been with me since our move last year.

how soon is too soon?

in every new relationship i make now,
i question when to tell people about jackson.
if we are real friends, his diagnosis is important as it is a big part of our story.

do i tell them right away?
do i wait and let them figure it out?

my tendency is to tell them quickly because
a) i'm not ashamed of anything about him and this is who God made him to be.
b) people tend to have more compassion and grace for him when they understand him more.

i wrestle with the 'right' answer.
it can be challenging with jackson since he looks like every other typically-developing six year old.
but he isn't.
he thinks, communicates, and sometimes acts differently than other children.
we work diligently to try and teach him 'socially appropriate' behavior,
but at the end of the day... he is an autistic little boy.
he is going to be different.
and little kids see that.

so i wonder if the parents know,
maybe they can encourage their children towards graciousness and understanding?
i do not want pity,
and i also don't want to force him on other kids.
but if the relationships are already there... what is the right thing to do?
i'm not trying to make him the most popular kid in class-
i just want him to have some faces smiling back at him in his classroom.

God gave us a beautiful, kind, intelligent, sensitive little boy.
sending him to school every day is hard,
because i no longer get to watch over every part of his life.
i can't shelter him from hurt,
or provide playmates for him.
i have to send him off,
and then pray like crazy.

i pray that God gives him sweet friends
that will love him for the awesome little boy he is,
and that through those friendships,
we can develop relationships with the families of our school,
and make an impact for His kingdom.

and hopefully, i'll continue to learn how best to be his advocate,
his encourager, his protector... his mommy.
because this is all new for me, too.

first days.

i seriously don't know where my summer went.

it feels like school just got out and now

BAM

 it's september again.

funny how during the summer, school sounds pretty awesome.

and then all of the sudden, it's the day before, 

and all you want is for summer to keep going 

so you can keep your kids home with you.

this year was big for us.

jackson is starting first grade- 

which means he's there all.day.long.

and isabella is starting preschool.

two kids at school.

one at home.

crazy.

i admit that i was beginning to have some anxiety about school.

last year was pretty rough for jackson,

and being at a new school,

i was afraid of repeating last year's experiences.

then i remembered how awesome god is,

and how he took care of us finding this house.

so instead of worrying,

i just prayed for my kids.

for their teachers, their friends, their education.

that god would have his hand of protection over both of them

as they started these new chapters in their lives.

i am so grateful to say that both kids had awesome first days.

big smiles going in and coming out.

awesome teachers that greeted them with handshakes and kind words.

my mommy heart is so happy.

jackson started on wednesday.

he was a little nervous as we waited in line, but no tears.

then his new teacher, mrs. garcia, came out to meet each child.

i literally almost cried as jackson happily met his teacher-

such a difference from last year.

he was so excited to find his desk with his name on it! 

he sits at the 'south america' table.

he sits across from owen, who (apparently) is his best friend.

sounds good to me.

all smiles!

a bit nervous as he waved goodbye, but he did great.

we already love mrs. garcia!

yesterday, bella just had a one-hour orientation with kids and parents,

so today was her official first day.

she's going into the transitional kindergarten program.

the state is moving back the deadline for entering kindergarten one month

 for the next few years.  

(so this year it went from december back to november 1st, and eventually it will be september 1st).

for all the kiddos that fall in the time that got cut-off (i.e. nov 2nd-dec 5)

they are offering a transitional kindergarten class- 

basically two years of kindergarten. or preschool.

however you want to say it- she gets free school this year.

and that is my favorite price.

this little girl is SO ready for school.

she has wanted to go for awhile, and it just didn't work out for our family.

she seemed a little nervous on tuesday night,

but after our orientation on wednesday,

she was just plain excited.

today she basically skipped into class,

a huge smile on her face.

(did you happen to notice that the kids are at different schools?  

that are, like, 20 minutes apart.  

and both start at 8:00am? 

 insert total crazy mornings here)

charlotte insisted on wearing her backpack and hanging it up with the other kids'. 

 her teacher, mrs. w, wrote the pilot for transitional kindergarten

and seems totally awesome.

bella already loves her.

she has also asked to be called 'isabella' now.

what a big girl.

i am so grateful for these past two days

and how god has (once again) faithfully answered our prayers.

i am confident that we have teachers who will love our children

and seek to advocate for and teach them the best they can.

we continue to believe that we are called to partner with teachers to work together 

in order to best serve our children.

i am praying for a great year.

the person having the hardest time is little charlotte.

she is both angry at being left out

and sad while missing her siblings.

she has insisted on bringing her backpack with her to drop-off and pick-up each day.

i love this little girl.

and i am happy she still has a few years to go with me.

i still can't believe i have two kids in school.

and that one is in first grade- that feels so old!

i guess we officially are not 'new parents' any more.

everyday i realize more and more 

the importance of praying for my children.

my tendency is to worry and try to do things myself,

but i continue to realize that i absolutely cannot do this on my own.

i pray for their hearts, their futures, their friendships, their health,

and that someday soon they'll ask jesus into their hearts.

it's hard to believe that anyone loves these little people more than i do.

and i'm so glad that the guy who does has them right in His hands.