the eye of the hurricane

oh my.

it has been awhile, right?

i have a billion blogs swirling in my head, and just haven't had the time to sit and make it happen.

so here you go.

 a little smattering of my life and mind until i can sit and actually do this thing.

but something is better than nothing, right? :)

***************************************************

i am finishing up week two 

of three out-of-town weeks.

we've been making our tour of the central valley,

first in modesto with jeff's family, then to davis for a wedding,

then i headed to fresno while jeff spoke at a camp up in oakhurst.

tomorrow we will be at hume lake with our students for the week.

whew!  i'm kinda tired ;)

here are some instagram shots from our time so far

(i seriously LOVE instagram. like, if i were in third grade, i'd totally marry it)

it has been awesome to visit with friends and family.

next week we'll be staying in a house with about 4 other families 

(and 7 kids i think?) 

at hume, so it will be totally bananas, but lots of fun.

i'm really looking forward to being up there.

but i am also looking forward to being home again.

*****************************************************

speaking of home....

the house situation.

no, we still don't have one.  which is a bummer.

but we are trusting that there is one out there for us!

we'll be diving head-first into house-hunting after hume.

our lease is up on august 24th,

so between the 12th & 24th we need to find a house, finish packing,

move, and paint/clean our current house.

easy breezy, right?

it's been nice to be away from all of it,

feeling like there is nothing i can do,

so i shouldn't stress about it.

it was a welcome respite from the constant craigslist-hunting and house-visiting that was our july.

but i admit, 

the last two days,

 the reality of what sits in front of me is starting to feel a bit daunting.

so i am praying for peace.

and trust.

i truly believe this is about so much more than a house.

i know that god is trying to teach me some lessons here,

and i really want to learn them.

because i don't want him to need to teach me again ;)

so i am praying that i will let go of control, trust him with our lives,

and enjoy each day he has for me.

....and also that he has a home for us.

and maybe even one that we can love to live in for awhile.

***************************************************

one of the stinky things about our move last summer,

was how far away from our family we are now.

in the last year,

we've had two new nieces.

i've had the opportunity to photograph both of them in the last two weeks.

they are pretty perfect.

adalyn elizabeth was born july 10th.

aren't her lips the most beautiful things ever?

and miss macie lynn is already ten months old!

she is happy smiles and crawling everywhere.

of course it was wonderful to see all our family,

but it was extra special to get time with these new little girls.

*******************************************************

speaking of photography,

i have been working crazy-hard on a new photography website.

i think it's going to be pretty legit.

i had no idea how hard putting a website together was!

things like code and domains just send my brain into a fog.

but i'm pushing through and can't wait to launch it-

probably after we find a house ;)

you have to promise to go check it out when it goes live, k?

***********************************************************

is there a statute of limitations on a blog?

cause jackson did surfers healing in june,

and i'm still trying to get around to editing the pics & making a video,

and i co-threw a fun baby shower last month.

is it too late to share?

considering 4th of july is now officially a month behind us,

i think that one is getting the axe for sure.

but you may be seeing some past-date blogs in the future.

sorry 'bout that.

*****************************************************

i need a home-cooked meal.

i am totally over fast food.

*****************************************************

i just found the most beautiful burnt-orange cardigan at anthropologie.

sigh.

totally had a dream about it.

has anyone else ever had this kind of obsession happen over a piece of clothing?

(for the record, this thing is so much cuter in person.)

(sidenote.. going on anthropologie's website does nothing for someone who suffers with contentment issues.  

you have been warned.)

anthropologie- why must you make such beautiful things?

i kinda wish i could set my house on fire and just live in anthropologie.

(not really. but you know what i mean)

actually, if we don't find a house, just moving into that store may be a viable option.

*******************************************************

my eyes are blurry.

i really need new contacts.

mine are like a year and a half overdue.

that will have to wait until after we find a house, too.

do you see a recurring theme?

i think september is going to be busy.

*************************************************************

so basically to sum it up 

(cause i'm really tired)

central valley road trip, no house, cute nieces, blog failure, new website, coveting heart, blurry eyes and bloated stomach.

any questions?

i'm off to hume lake tomorrow.

little-to-no internet or phone for the week.

i'm kinda okay with it.

so...... i'll see you later, alligators.

and if you think about us bachmans, we'd love some prayers.

because right now, i think we are in the eye of the hurricane,

and it's about to get all kinds of crazy in a week.

xoxo

shara

double negative

today we turned down two houses.

it seems like a crazy thing to do,

especially with how hard it has been to find anything we have loved.

one home was darling,

with great updates and a park for a backyard.

but tiny. crazy tiny.

just too tiny for our family long-term.

the other was very pretty.

all upgraded and more space.

but expensive.

more than we could afford.

i tried to figure out how to make each of them work.

i could turn the garage into a playroom!

i could have a lemonade stand! or sell things on ebay!

i could have a triple-bunk-bed made!

and then i prayed.

and asked friends to pray.

at the end of today...

we didn't have peace about either home.

i feel a call on my heart to wait.

which is not my favorite thing to do

and trust that god has this.

jeff spoke with a wise friend yesterday,

who answered the phone by saying

"i was just praying for you today! 

and the word that kept coming to my mind was 'the 11th hour'".  

god's timing is not my timing.

but his timing is always perfect.

so every day is a baby step.

trusting he has a neighborhood he is preparing for us.

a school for my children.

a home for our family.

i so want to learn the lessons he has for me in this situation.

(um, especially so he doesn't feel a need to teach it to me again! :)

a sweet friend gave me the jesus calling book last night, and the devotional said this:

stop worrying long enough to hear My voice.  i speak softly to you, in the depths of your inner being.  your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion.  as My thoughts rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry.  thus, My voice is muffled, and you hear only 'white noise'.  

ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts.  this ability is an awesome benefit of being My child, patterned after My own image.  do not be deafened by the noise of the world or that of your own thinking.  instead, by transformed by the renewing of your mind.  sit quietly in My Presence, letting My thoughts reprogram your thinking.

so good, right?

i wanted to share this today,

because i know there are many of us wrestling with 

the questions and worries of life.

circumstances are different,

but we all face choices, and sometimes it is so hard to hear god's voice.

today i was reminded to stop and listen.

and to trust him, even when it's scary.

i can't wait to share good news with you soon...

because i know he has the perfect house for us.

and i am excited to see it...

whenever he decides to let me.

discouragement and doubt

i walked into church this morning discouraged.

one week ago today,

we found out we have to move,

and move quickly.

i was determined to have a good attitude about it.

i have spent hours praying.

i believed that god was doing something in our family,

and he had the perfect home in mind for us.

and then i spent four days house-hunting,

only to find the houses in our price range are either:

*super sketchy.  like, boarded up windows and electrical wires loudly buzzing overhead sketchy.

*in neighborhoods with schools rated a 2 out of 10.

*tiny.  as in, no kitchen table and down-sizing to a love seat instead of a couch.

*far, far away.  goodbye community.

*still rocking 1973 clouded mirrored walls and other non-awesome historical artifacts.

we have even looked  on the way-high end of our budget, 

thinking maybe we can stretch ourselves-

only to find very little of promise.

no luck.

we have gone through tanks of gas searching for a home.

i'm not looking for anything huge and fancy.

i would just like a clean, relatively modern home in which i won't get shot and my kids can go to a school that isn't rated uber-poorly.

this is especially important considering the services jackson needs.

i would love for our home to be close enough to the church

 to actually have people over, for ministry to be happening in our home.

(where we currently live, people, especially students, just don't want to drive to)

i'd love a home that would allow me to continue to do photography... 

nothing fancy like a studio, just a small little space.  

( i currently use charlotte's room and it is working just fine)

i want to find a home that we can settle into for a few years, 

where our kids can stay at one school for awhile.

where we can seek to develop relationships with our neighbors 

and invest in our community.

(this will be jackson and bella's fourth home).

admittedly,

i am frustrated.

tired.

weary.

angry.

disappointed.

finding a home was supposed to be the easy part.
i still have the whole packing and moving aspect that we haven't even touched.

we visited two different families this weekend who recently moved into 'perfect' little homes.
what should have been an in-my-face example of god's provision
did just the opposite.

i found that it only discouraged me more....

like all the good houses had already been taken or something.

when i really broke it down,

i was beginning to doubt that god was actually going to provide for us.

that he cared about this part of our lives.

but more than that,

i started to think that maybe if i was a 'better' christian i would find a home.

that god was disappointed with me, and therefore withholding his favor.
maybe, if i had been reading my bible more, i could live in east side costa mesa.

ridiculous, yes.
but i had allowed these lies to sink into my heart and overtake me.

thank goodness today was sunday.

i walked into church this morning, and was immediately overwhelmed with emotion.

the worship was full of songs about god's great love for us.

his provision in times of trial.

the sermon a reminder of the power of the holy spirit, and that god is not disappointed in me.

with tears streaming down my face, i remembered who my god really is.

not a god who withholds or seeks to discourage me,

but a god who loves me more than i can possibly understand.
even more, a god who knows exactly what i need,
and when i need it.

for this reason i bow my knees before the Father,

from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,

that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you 

to be strengthened with power

through His Spirit in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-

that you, being rooted and grounded in love,

may have strength to comprehend with all the saints

what is the breadth and length and height and depth,

and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge,

that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly

than all we ask or think,

according to the power at work within us,

to Him be glory in the church 

and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,

forever and ever more.

amen.

-ephesians 3:14-21

am i guaranteed the perfect home with hardwood floors and new cabinetry?

absolutely not.
is his love somehow reflected in what house i live in?
of course not.
in fact, i am blessed to just have a roof over my head- that is so much more than far too many people around the world, whom god also loves, do not have.

but is my God able to provide a home for my family?

does he love and care for me more than i can comprehend?

is He here, now, listening as i cry out to Him?

does He have a plan for us?

the answer, of course, is yes.

how grateful i am that i serve a god

who is not fickle like i am.

i step out onto the sea and immediately doubt at the first winds that blow,

forgetting that he has the power to calm those wind and waves.

my god is mighty to save,

and how he loves me,

and loves my family.

i don't know where we are going to be living in a few weeks.

and i can't say the anxiety and doubt are totally gone.

but i am grateful today for a reminder of who he is,

both in power of his spirit,  and in his unconditional, unending love.

***sidenote.  i recognize there are MUCH bigger problems than having to move, and that it has only been a week.  but this is where i'm at right now, and i would love your prayers and our family looks for the home god will provide for us.  i want to learn whatever it is he has for us, so my faith can be stronger when even larger trials come our way.

what can I do?

i seem to think pretty highly of myself.

because when any sort of problem comes,

who do i look to?

me.

i can fix it.

i can do it best.

i can handle it.

most of the time,

i am so sadly mistaken.

i continue to pile myself with burdens that are beyond me-

leaving me weary,

discouraged,

and feeling hopeless.

this is not the type of life that god wants for me.

and he never asked for me to do it all myself.

Do you not know?

Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,   

the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

He will not grow tired or weary,and his understanding no one can fathom. 

 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who      hope in the LORD    will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary;  

they will walk and not be faint. 

-isaiah 40:28-31

two days ago, we received an email from our landlords

letting us know the owners are selling our home and we need to move.

we had just decided the best decision for our family was to stay here one more year.

moving just seemed too daunting a task in the midst of our over-busy lives.

looking at a calendar, we realized we had mere weeks to figure it all out.

i immediately transitioned into 'i' mode.

"i need to go home and get on craigslist"

"i need to start sorting things tonight"

"i need to start figuring out childcare"

"i need to find boxes.  change our address. figure out new schools"

"i need to figure out how to pay for moving expenses"

"how am i going to be able to find us a place in the right neighborhood?"

"i can't do this"

i found myself entering into a place of being overwhelmed and anxious.

and then i heard it.

a voice in my head, over and over.

"YOU can't do it.  but I can.  I am doing something.  trust ME."

moving my family in the next three weeks feels impossible for me.

but obviously god is doing something that is making us move.

i don't know what it is, but i know that he has good things for us.

i need to fully trust and believe that the god who created the universe

can also find me a place for my family to live.

the truth is that I cannot do this.

it is too much.

but He most certainly can.

we have under three weeks to find a home, pack everything, and move.

everything in me wants to take over.

but i am desperately trying to allow god to do his work,

so that he might be glorified in this.

i believe that he cares about every detail of our lives,

and desires to be intimately involved.

so god.... we are trusting you.

we know you are doing something in our little family's lives.

help me to submit to you,

and allow you to be my strength in a season of craziness.

i can't wait to see what YOU can do.

another june 24th

remembering precious tyler today.

we miss you sweet boy.

here is the post i wrote last year on june 24th.

feeling all the same things a year later... and wishing i could be with my friends today.

we love you so, rumley family.

celebrating his last day

this is a boy who finished kindergarten today!

whoo hoo!

(and thank you, irvine, for the crazy-late last day, right?  most kids are already half-done with summer by now!)

i can't say kindergarten has been an easy year.

there were many days jackson did not want to go,

and it definitely did not live up to the visions i had in my head.

but to say i'm proud of this little boy would be the understatement of the year.

(holding his picture from the first day of school)

jackson entered kindergarten barely writing his name.

now he is writing multiple sentences.

he entered kindergarten counting to twenty.

now he's counting to over 100.  and adding numbers together.

there is not a day that goes by that this sweet kid doesn't amaze me.

with his super-smart brain.

his kind heart.

and his perseverance despite things being difficult.

we felt like today was a day to celebrate.

last week, cars land opened at california adventures.

if you know jackson, you know there are a few things he loves.

and when i say love, i mean love.

(let's be honest.  he is high-functioning autistic.   so love = obsession)

fountains. electronics.... and cars.

for the last four years, 

we have lived and breathed cars in our house.

so when he found out there was going to be a CARS LAND....

 oh man.

he knew it opened on june 15th.

but we were not going to submit ourselves to opening day madness.

we gave him a lot of reasons why we had to wait,

and convinced him we would go in july.

tricky mommy & daddy!

we picked him up from school today

with a new cars t-shirt and no sisters.

just us. 

just him.

ready to experience something we had dreamed about,

talked about, and watched many you-tube videos about.

you would think he would have been over-the-moon excited,

but in truth...

he was kinda a nervous wreck.

first... he does not like the unknown.

it makes him super anxious.

and... there were a lot of people.

and...this was big.  really big for him.  

probably like if i got to go on the set of my favorite tv show or something.

maybe bigger.

he was actually going to go INTO RADIATOR SPRINGS.

friends...

it is amazing.

like, i actually found myself crying walking down the street.

it was like they had taken the movie and plopped it down in the center of california adventures.

(and added a billion human tourists, btw)

like i said... we have lived cars in our house for years now.

so this also held a lot of significance for us.

and it totally lived up to all the hype in my head.

so here are some pics from our time today.

just a few hours, but they really are memories i'll have forever.

experiencing this adventure with my sweet little boy for the first time.

his little hand in mine.

his giant smile when he saw lighting mcqueen driving down the street.

his anxiety before he rode a new ride.

his joy as he rode on his daddy's shoulders and drank his very own sprite that he didn't have to share with his sisters.

it was a good day.

 a really good day.

he was very excited to see the pixar parade, too.

it is super fantastic!

(minus their need to squirt water out of every.single.float.)

he was SO nervous about riding radiator springs racers.

he was terrified that it would be a fast ride, and was in tears as we got on.

but that ride is absolutely amazing.

the best ride at disneyland.

i think he liked it, too.

thumbs up for surviving a new ride!

my jackson orian.

today we celebrate you.

life is not always easy.

but you keep trying.

you teach me to find joy in the little things.

and to work hard, even when life is difficult.

i am so proud to be your mommy.

and i can't believe you are a big first grader now.

let's enjoy the summer first, shall we?

we think he's super....

anyone who knows my hubby

knows that he loves superheroes.

and spiderman, of course, is his all-time favorite.

he loves to read about them.

watch them.

talk about them.

use them as analogies in his sermons.

recently we found an entertainment weekly up on the bookshelf by jackson's bed 

that had the avengers on the cover.

he was sleeping with it because he knew how much 

daddy loved the avengers movie.

so cute.

i'm sure jeff thinks he loves superheroes just cause they're cool.

but i have a different opinion.

and today is the perfect day to say it.

i think he loves superheroes because deep down....

he is one!

first...

my husband is pretty darn super.

the kind of guy that people look at and say 'wow!'

not only that...

he's definitely a hero.  

especially to our little family.

i spent some time looking up 'superhero characteristics'

and was not surprised to see how many jeff shares with his favorite flying friends.

he is one-of-a-kind.

he is not afraid to be himself, to be unique.

he is selfless.

he puts the needs of others before himself,

and he is the ultimate servant.

he is brave.

he goes on all the fast rides at disneyland without crying!

he is adventurous.

i love that he is always up for trying new things,

and loves to be having fun. 

he has a great sense of humor.

he keeps everyone around him laughing.

he fights for the good guy.

i mean... he's a pastor, right?  ;)

he's trustworthy.

you can rely on him.  always.

he has a weakness.

(it's diet coke and reality tv.)

he has a sidekick....

or three.

he's the ultimate role model.

because i would love for my kids to grow up

and be just like him.

he's definitely a daddy they can look up to.

so happy father's day to our very own superhero.

he may not wear a cape or climb walls,

but i believe what makes him special is far more important.