first day

as a mommy, you think a lot about your child's first day of kindergarten.

you imagine what it will feel like to leave your little one at the door.

say goodbye.

wave them into being a 'big kid'.

well....

today was that day.

my sweet jackson started kindergarten.

i thought i would feel a mixture of pride, sadness, and excitement all rolled into one.

and i did.

i am so unbelievably proud of my little boy.

but i experienced some other feelings, too, that i had not expected.

today i feel discouraged.

last spring, jackson's preschool team met with his new kindergarten team.

we talked all about him.

his special needs.

how to help him succeed, especially on the first few weeks.

i felt so prepared, so ready, so excited.

and then everything changed.

we had heard amazing things about the irvine schools.

and i'm sure they are wonderful.

but since we've moved, it has been impossible to get anyone to talk to us about our boy.

to set him up to succeed today.

we were unable to even find out who his teacher was until last night.

we still don't know if he will be early or late.

for a little boy who needs routine, structure, and an awareness of what is coming....

we gave him none of that.

so last night i prayed.

i prayed for my little boy, for his teacher, for today.

he woke up this morning excited and nervous.

we walked to school and he was all smiles.

(and lots of questions).

he was doing so well.

we waited outside the building in our line for his teacher to come out and greet them.

this did not happen.

instead, the children were corralled into their new classroom

 in a giant wave of parents, children, and siblings.

the parents were told to grab a packet and head to the mpr.

the children were just wandering around, not sure what was happening.

they had some helpers vaguely directing people about, but it was chaotic....

NOT what jackson responds well to.

the teachers were in the mpr waiting for a 'back to school' morning with the parents,

rather than meeting their new students in the classroom.

jackson lost it.

he was crying, and then eventually screaming for us as we left the room.

my heart broke into a million pieces.

and then those pieces filled with frustration, sadness, disappointment, and anger.

i am frustrated that the school has been unwilling to talk to us about jackson's IEP 

and how to help him succeed.

i am disappointed that he didn't have his teacher there to greet him with a hug and a smile.

i'm sad that my little boy's first day had to start with tears.... and i have no idea how long they lasted.

and i'm angry that now we have to pick up the pieces for him.

with jackson, once he has a negative experience,

once he loses it,

it is very hard to get him back.

to get him excited about something again.

i know that God has us here

in this house,

at this school,

in this classroom,

for a reason.

i trust that He loves my little boy

He is going to take care of him.

i want jackson to love school.

love his teacher.

make new friends.

wake up excited to be a brywood blue jay.

i hope that in time that will come.

today i pray for his little heart.

that God would erase the sadness of this morning.

and fill him with excitement for a new day tomorrow.

his little sisters were so excited for him.  he was a little nervous at this point ;)

you can read daddy's sweet blog about jackson's first day here

 i love this little boy.

'for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord.  plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  plans to give you hope and a future.' -jeremiah 29:11