i do it myself.

my bella loves to do things herself.

whether it is getting dressed, clicking her buckles in her car seat, or 'helping' me cook,

i hear the phrase 'i can do it myself' all day long.

and now, little sister is beginning to do the same.

there are plenty of things bella can do on her own.

and i want her to practice those things and become independent.

but there are a lot of things that she really does need me for.

(and charlotte even more so!)

there is little that is more frustrating to me than bella yelling at me that she can do it herself,

when i know she cannot.

i don't think there is anything that has given me a better picture of my relationship with Jesus,

than being a parent.

the love, self-sacrifice, and protection i feel for my children is only a fraction of what my God feels for me.

but i can imagine that the frustration i feel with my children might also be a glimpse into how God might feel with me sometimes as well.

much like my little girls,

i constantly find myself saying, "i can do this myself."

i say that i need Jesus.

that He is my strength.

that i rely on Him alone.

but the reality is....

most of the time, i am looking to myself.

no wonder i keep falling on my face!

lately, i feel as though i have had a giant mirror put up to my life.

and not a regular mirror, but one of those 

'way-too-close-up-magnified-i-can-see-inside-your-pores' mirrors.

maybe it is because i was way too busy in fresno to pause,

but since moving, i feel like i keep getting smacked in the face with things 

God wants to show me about myself.

and it isn't necessarily all bad things, 

but just recognizing who i am,

how i can grow,

and why i do the things i do.

i'll see something and think "i need to work on that"

only to find myself discouraged at the lack of change in my life.

maybe the lack of change is due to the fact that i am insufficient to do anything on my own.

as ridiculous as it is to think isabella could bake a cake all by herself right now 

is how silly it is to think i am able to 'change' myself.

i can try really hard for awhile.

and it might even work.

for a bit.

but then i will return to normal.

go back to what is easy.

default.

i have to stop trying to do it all myself.

relationships.

parenting.

marriage.

life.

i need to actually allow God to do what He is good at

(one of the many things :)

to surrender fully to Him

and allow his Holy Spirit to truly be my help.

the obvious difference between myself as a parent and God my Father 

is that i am broken, sinful, and of the flesh.

i get frustrated, fed up, and lose my patience with my daughters.

thankfully,

God, my Father, never loses His patience.

He is always there to help me, even when i am not looking or asking for it.

He does not react with emotion,

but with an understanding of the child He created,

and compassion to help me through every circumstance of life.

there is so much He is showing me right now.

i'm grateful for a God that wants to stretch me, mold me, help me grow.

but i know none of that can happen unless 

i stop trying to do it 'all by myself'.