how soon is too soon?

well, we're a week into school already.

we're getting into the rhythm of packing lunches,

waking before dawn to get everyone up and ready,
and finding the best parking spots for drop off/pick up.

i'm officially ready for summer vacation ;)

just kidding.
it's been great, and i LOVE that the kids are both
happy going to school everyday.
love, love, love that.

we believe that God specifically placed us in these schools for a reason.
with all the homes we looked at,
this is where He has us.

i also strongly believe that it is our calling,
as believers in Christ,
to be a light in our schools.
i hear over and over about all the negative things happening in public schools,
and i want to be a part of fixing that.
shining light in a dark place.
isn't that what we are supposed to do?

in a situation like a school setting,
i think it's important to really focus on relationships-
both with teachers and other parents.
becoming friends with the parents of our children's friends,
and praying for opportunities to share Jesus
or just serve them like He would.

all of this has always sounded great, in theory.
and then we had jackson.

i've shared a little bit about jackson's difficulty in forming relationships with his peers.
for the most part, adults seem to love him.
(because he's the cutest little boy on the planet, right?)
and younger kids like him, too.
(because developmentally he's more on their level).

but in the last two years, we are noticing that kids his own age
do not connect with him.
it has been super hard for my mommy heart to watch,
but i also understand why.
he does not communicate in the same way they do,
nor is he interested in the same things as them.
especially the boys.
he doesn't like sports, doesn't like legos, doesn't like star wars.
sometimes we try to MAKE him watch things like superhero shows
just so he will have something to talk to the other kids about.
(and because jeff totally geeks out about his kids loving superheroes, too :)

last year was rough,
everyday watching kids go on playdates with one another,
and having none of the other children want to play with him.
again, i get it.  but that doesn't make it less hard.

harder in some ways is that i'm not sure if he sees it or not.
he will happily say hello to other children,
and doesn't seem to notice when they turn away or dismiss him.
but he has told me before that certain kids aren't his friends because they won't play with him.
so maybe he gets it a little?
not sure.  but i am waiting for the day when he does get it.
that will be a sad day.

all that being said,
i went into this year with heaviness on my heart for him.
i so want him to make some little friends to play with,
and in turn, for me to build relationships with.
i have spent a LOT of time praying that my jackson will have some great little friends in first grade.

i watched the first few days as he lined up at his classroom,
but didn't really interact with the other children.
he had told me owen was his best friend,
but then they didn't talk to each other...
i think owen just got lucky sitting across from him :)

and then...
while asking questions about school,
i asked who he ate lunch with.
"caitlin" he replied.
"she's my friend."

for two days i asked about who he played with,
and he always replied "caitlin."
i asked him to point her out to me when i picked him up,
 concerned that this was another 'friend' who he liked,
but didn't necessarily love him back.

so he brought caitlin over
(and she is pretty much sheer adorableness)
along with her mommy.
caitlin's mommy introduced herself and said,
"so we're going to be in-laws?"
apparently caitlin loves jackson just as much as he loves her :)

we sat on the playground for about fifteen minutes,
and i got to talk to her mommy, along with two others that she was friends with.
it . was . awesome.
because all this new-ness is kinda intimidating for me, too.
so having friendly faces and names to put with them makes school fun for me and jackson :)

i am excited about the new relationships that are forming,
along with the others that have yet to start.
but i am struggling with a question that has been with me since our move last year.

how soon is too soon?

in every new relationship i make now,
i question when to tell people about jackson.
if we are real friends, his diagnosis is important as it is a big part of our story.

do i tell them right away?
do i wait and let them figure it out?

my tendency is to tell them quickly because
a) i'm not ashamed of anything about him and this is who God made him to be.
b) people tend to have more compassion and grace for him when they understand him more.

i wrestle with the 'right' answer.
it can be challenging with jackson since he looks like every other typically-developing six year old.
but he isn't.
he thinks, communicates, and sometimes acts differently than other children.
we work diligently to try and teach him 'socially appropriate' behavior,
but at the end of the day... he is an autistic little boy.
he is going to be different.
and little kids see that.

so i wonder if the parents know,
maybe they can encourage their children towards graciousness and understanding?
i do not want pity,
and i also don't want to force him on other kids.
but if the relationships are already there... what is the right thing to do?
i'm not trying to make him the most popular kid in class-
i just want him to have some faces smiling back at him in his classroom.

God gave us a beautiful, kind, intelligent, sensitive little boy.
sending him to school every day is hard,
because i no longer get to watch over every part of his life.
i can't shelter him from hurt,
or provide playmates for him.
i have to send him off,
and then pray like crazy.

i pray that God gives him sweet friends
that will love him for the awesome little boy he is,
and that through those friendships,
we can develop relationships with the families of our school,
and make an impact for His kingdom.

and hopefully, i'll continue to learn how best to be his advocate,
his encourager, his protector... his mommy.
because this is all new for me, too.

first days.

i seriously don't know where my summer went.

it feels like school just got out and now

BAM

 it's september again.

funny how during the summer, school sounds pretty awesome.

and then all of the sudden, it's the day before, 

and all you want is for summer to keep going 

so you can keep your kids home with you.

this year was big for us.

jackson is starting first grade- 

which means he's there all.day.long.

and isabella is starting preschool.

two kids at school.

one at home.

crazy.

i admit that i was beginning to have some anxiety about school.

last year was pretty rough for jackson,

and being at a new school,

i was afraid of repeating last year's experiences.

then i remembered how awesome god is,

and how he took care of us finding this house.

so instead of worrying,

i just prayed for my kids.

for their teachers, their friends, their education.

that god would have his hand of protection over both of them

as they started these new chapters in their lives.

i am so grateful to say that both kids had awesome first days.

big smiles going in and coming out.

awesome teachers that greeted them with handshakes and kind words.

my mommy heart is so happy.

jackson started on wednesday.

he was a little nervous as we waited in line, but no tears.

then his new teacher, mrs. garcia, came out to meet each child.

i literally almost cried as jackson happily met his teacher-

such a difference from last year.

he was so excited to find his desk with his name on it! 

he sits at the 'south america' table.

he sits across from owen, who (apparently) is his best friend.

sounds good to me.

all smiles!

a bit nervous as he waved goodbye, but he did great.

we already love mrs. garcia!

yesterday, bella just had a one-hour orientation with kids and parents,

so today was her official first day.

she's going into the transitional kindergarten program.

the state is moving back the deadline for entering kindergarten one month

 for the next few years.  

(so this year it went from december back to november 1st, and eventually it will be september 1st).

for all the kiddos that fall in the time that got cut-off (i.e. nov 2nd-dec 5)

they are offering a transitional kindergarten class- 

basically two years of kindergarten. or preschool.

however you want to say it- she gets free school this year.

and that is my favorite price.

this little girl is SO ready for school.

she has wanted to go for awhile, and it just didn't work out for our family.

she seemed a little nervous on tuesday night,

but after our orientation on wednesday,

she was just plain excited.

today she basically skipped into class,

a huge smile on her face.

(did you happen to notice that the kids are at different schools?  

that are, like, 20 minutes apart.  

and both start at 8:00am? 

 insert total crazy mornings here)

charlotte insisted on wearing her backpack and hanging it up with the other kids'. 

 her teacher, mrs. w, wrote the pilot for transitional kindergarten

and seems totally awesome.

bella already loves her.

she has also asked to be called 'isabella' now.

what a big girl.

i am so grateful for these past two days

and how god has (once again) faithfully answered our prayers.

i am confident that we have teachers who will love our children

and seek to advocate for and teach them the best they can.

we continue to believe that we are called to partner with teachers to work together 

in order to best serve our children.

i am praying for a great year.

the person having the hardest time is little charlotte.

she is both angry at being left out

and sad while missing her siblings.

she has insisted on bringing her backpack with her to drop-off and pick-up each day.

i love this little girl.

and i am happy she still has a few years to go with me.

i still can't believe i have two kids in school.

and that one is in first grade- that feels so old!

i guess we officially are not 'new parents' any more.

everyday i realize more and more 

the importance of praying for my children.

my tendency is to worry and try to do things myself,

but i continue to realize that i absolutely cannot do this on my own.

i pray for their hearts, their futures, their friendships, their health,

and that someday soon they'll ask jesus into their hearts.

it's hard to believe that anyone loves these little people more than i do.

and i'm so glad that the guy who does has them right in His hands.

run, jackson, run!

`

last wednesday was jackson's big jog-a-thon!

the whole family came out to watch him run.

the girls even made special signs to cheer him on.

notice that someone started out pretty grumpy...

but quickly turned it around once the music started :)

the kindergarteners all lined up, waiting for the whistle to blow.

and they're off!

there's our boy!

 he was full of energy!

(please excuse the next few pics.  i switched lenses and accidentally flipped a switch, so they are all blurry. big boo!)

the girls didn't want to be left out.

so they quickly jumped in and started running, too.

 

jackson & bella ran 2 laps holding hands.

my mommy-heart just melted.

here are 2 videos of jackson getting his jog on.

 

jackson ended up running TEN laps!

a whole mile!

go jackson!

jackson earned over $100 for his school.

thanks to everyone who sponsored him!

after a good run,

the kindergarteners were rewarded with popsicles.

bella quickly took control of his popsicle...

 and even gave him a few licks! ;)

a pic of jackson with mommy & daddy

(thanks bella for taking it with daddy's phone!)

jackson requested we go to his favorite place for lunch afterwards.

how could we tell this face no?

jackson, we are so proud of you.

you are not only smart and kind,

but also a great little runner!

way to go, buddy!

100th day

today was jackson's 100th day of school.

each child had to come up with a project of 100 of something to share with the class.

100 buttons sewn on a shirt.

100 goldfish glued onto blue paper.

100 stickers on posterboard.

the 100 things were supposed to represent something about the child.

something they love.

we bachmans never like to do things the normal way.

so we thought and thought about what jackson loves.

pancakes.

he thought it was a great idea.

he counted out 100 mini pancakes.

we cooked them and then set them on the counter to harden up.

after that, he & i glued them onto a plate.

he made a little '100 pancakes' sign that we put on top.

voila!  a project perfect for our little boy.

he has to present his project to the class, so here is a little video of him practicing this morning:

100 days of kindergarten is a big accomplishment.

jackson has worked so hard this year.

and it has not been easy.

kindergarten has been a gigantic adjustment,

both for him & us.

he is learning to write sentences.

he is learning to add numbers.

he is learning how to make friends and be successful in school.

we are learning what it means to be parents of a school-aged child,

particularly one with special needs.

we are learning how to balance the needs of our child 

with trying to maintain healthy relationships with school staff.

we are learning how to advocate for our child when no one else will.

we have all learned a lot these past 100 days of school.

and i have no doubt there are many more lessons ahead for our family.

but the one thing i already know:

jackson is amazing, hard-working, and brilliant.

and we couldn't be prouder of him.

first day

as a mommy, you think a lot about your child's first day of kindergarten.

you imagine what it will feel like to leave your little one at the door.

say goodbye.

wave them into being a 'big kid'.

well....

today was that day.

my sweet jackson started kindergarten.

i thought i would feel a mixture of pride, sadness, and excitement all rolled into one.

and i did.

i am so unbelievably proud of my little boy.

but i experienced some other feelings, too, that i had not expected.

today i feel discouraged.

last spring, jackson's preschool team met with his new kindergarten team.

we talked all about him.

his special needs.

how to help him succeed, especially on the first few weeks.

i felt so prepared, so ready, so excited.

and then everything changed.

we had heard amazing things about the irvine schools.

and i'm sure they are wonderful.

but since we've moved, it has been impossible to get anyone to talk to us about our boy.

to set him up to succeed today.

we were unable to even find out who his teacher was until last night.

we still don't know if he will be early or late.

for a little boy who needs routine, structure, and an awareness of what is coming....

we gave him none of that.

so last night i prayed.

i prayed for my little boy, for his teacher, for today.

he woke up this morning excited and nervous.

we walked to school and he was all smiles.

(and lots of questions).

he was doing so well.

we waited outside the building in our line for his teacher to come out and greet them.

this did not happen.

instead, the children were corralled into their new classroom

 in a giant wave of parents, children, and siblings.

the parents were told to grab a packet and head to the mpr.

the children were just wandering around, not sure what was happening.

they had some helpers vaguely directing people about, but it was chaotic....

NOT what jackson responds well to.

the teachers were in the mpr waiting for a 'back to school' morning with the parents,

rather than meeting their new students in the classroom.

jackson lost it.

he was crying, and then eventually screaming for us as we left the room.

my heart broke into a million pieces.

and then those pieces filled with frustration, sadness, disappointment, and anger.

i am frustrated that the school has been unwilling to talk to us about jackson's IEP 

and how to help him succeed.

i am disappointed that he didn't have his teacher there to greet him with a hug and a smile.

i'm sad that my little boy's first day had to start with tears.... and i have no idea how long they lasted.

and i'm angry that now we have to pick up the pieces for him.

with jackson, once he has a negative experience,

once he loses it,

it is very hard to get him back.

to get him excited about something again.

i know that God has us here

in this house,

at this school,

in this classroom,

for a reason.

i trust that He loves my little boy

He is going to take care of him.

i want jackson to love school.

love his teacher.

make new friends.

wake up excited to be a brywood blue jay.

i hope that in time that will come.

today i pray for his little heart.

that God would erase the sadness of this morning.

and fill him with excitement for a new day tomorrow.

his little sisters were so excited for him.  he was a little nervous at this point ;)

you can read daddy's sweet blog about jackson's first day here

 i love this little boy.

'for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord.  plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  plans to give you hope and a future.' -jeremiah 29:11