mommy merry-go-round

from the time i was little,

i always wanted to be a mom.

i loved the idea of little people who loved me.

who i could take care of, encourage, and love forever.

getting pregnant took longer than expected for us.

there was a time that i questioned if i would ever be able to have children of my own.

and then one day,

in God's perfect timing,

we found out we were having a baby.

i still remember the moment i found out- the sheer joy i felt holding that stick.

it has been a little over 6 years since i held that pee-covered stick and cried in a bathroom at rcp.

God faithfully fulfilled my dream to become a mother.

now i have 3 little ones to love, encourage, and take care of.

the sad part is....

there are so many days that are filled with frustration, exhaustion, and even anger.

being a mom is not quite what i imagined it to be.

i'm not saying i don't love my kids.

or being a mom.

i absolutely, without a doubt, do.

i cannot imagine my life without my babies.

but i want to ENJOY them.

i want to smile more, laugh frequently.

i start the day with such good intentions, 

and then tantrums, defiance, and fighting send me over the edge.

(and that is just the 7am hour....)

i see these other moms out,

and it feels like everyone is smiling and enjoying their children.

and then there is me...

constantly having to discipline, calming down irrational fits,

and breaking up the latest tirade.

i am exhausted.

i am discouraged.

i realize i have 3 small children,

one of whom has some extra-special circumstances.

but is it supposed to be this hard?

it feels like i am on this merry-go-round of mommyhood.

every day consists of cleaning, cooking, tantrums, fighting, cleaning, crying...

up and down, up and down.

and the next day we just get right back on the ride again.

of course there are good moments in there too.

we do have fun moments,

happy smiles,

snuggles and loves.

but as soon as it looks like everyone is content, someone falls apart again.

am i supposed to get to the end of the day and pretty much want to cry, 

almost every single night?

i constantly feel like i am failing-

i can't keep my house clean, i can't figure out how to cook dinner every night (or get my kids to eat it), i can't get my kids to obey... i can't, i can't, i can't.

i feel overwhelmed with guilt that i'm not doing enough for them.

that somehow i am doing it all wrong.

if i disciplined differently, maybe they would obey more.

if i did_____________, then maybe ________________.

i second guess every decision,

every word,

afraid that one mistake will ruin them forever.

i remember when my kids were little babies.

i would just stare at them, hold them, snuggle them.

i was so sad when i had to put them down for a nap.

every moment was so sweet.

how i long for more sweetness in my days.

more snuggling, less arguing.

more smiles, less tantrums.

more fun projects, less tears.

i love my children.

i would give up everything i have for them.

 their smiles and giggles make me happier than anything in the entire world.

so what kind of mommy am i that my children don't fill my heart with joy all the time?

that all i want to do at this moment is have a break from them?

how do we parent our children well,

discipline them appropriately,

love them unconditionally,

and enjoy them continuously?

is there a way to make days more fun than fight?

i don't know the answer.

so for now i'm going to try and snuggle with them for a bit.

be thankful for each of their little lives

and that i get to be their mommy-

through the laughter and the fits.

and pray that the rest of today is a little more smiles than sadness.

because if i had to choose.....

i'll take every hard day with my three beautiful children

than any day without them.

thank you, God,

for these three little lives you have entrusted me with.

help me to raise them to love you and become more like your son.

forgive me for the times i lose my patience.

help me to remember they are little and learning.

and please guide me on this journey of mommyhood....

 i want to honor you in it.