enough

 we recently rented the movie 'the muppets' at redbox.

(how fantastic were amy adams' outfits in that movie, btw?)

my little song-loving children have been singing the songs ever since...

which, of course, is one of my favorite things.

who doesn't love singing kiddos?

their favorite song has gotten stuck in my head,

especially since they sing the same two lines over and over (and over and over and over).

'i've got everything that i need,

right in front of me.'

i'm starting to think maybe God is having them sing that just for me.

God has been doing a lot of work on me lately.

(which seems to be the anthem of my life this last year.  but it's good)

a few weeks ago at nurture

we had the privilege of listening to kay yerkovich,

who, along with her husband, milan, wrote the book how we love.

it deals with how our upbringing affects how we now love those around us,

and how we respond to conflict and life situations.

(there is probably a much better way to describe the book. so forgive me for my lame paraphrase.  you should just read it ;)

i'm not going to lie.

that morning wrecked me.

i'm not one of those people that likes to let my past define me.

growing up, i dealt with a lot of rough situations.

i decided early on i was not going to let my circumstances define me.

jesus grabbed my heart my junior year of high school,

and i decided i was starting fresh. new.

leaving all the past behind.

what i discovered during kay's talk,

is that while i may have left it behind...

it is still a part of me.

it still affects who i am today.

how i respond to my children.

how i talk to my husband.

how i engage in relationships 

is all wrapped up in that.

i kept finding myself angry at my children.

frustrated with my circumstances.

expecting great things and then being totally disappointed.

waiting for friends to decide i was not worth it.

expecting perfection out of myself... 

and worrying if i wasn't, people wouldn't accept me.

kay began describing the 'vacillator' and it was as though everything inside of me went silent for a moment.

here she was describing all these things that i had been silently wrestling through.

now i had a reason, and could better understand why.

i am afraid that if i am not perfect enough, people will abandon me.

i idealize the future.  when it does not go how i pictured, i am disappointed.

none of this is what God wants for me.

none of this brings health to my marriage, my parenting, or my other relationships.

and even worse, living like this affects everyone around me.

it is selfish and not living and loving how God would desire.

so for the past few weeks i have been praying.

praying for God to heal the broken parts of me.

praying that i can approach my relationships in health and truth.

praying for what type of love i am passing on to my children.

praying that God might continue to show me how i can grow and be more like Him.

it is hard.

but it is good.

sometimes for me, just having a reason for something makes things easier.

not that i want to just throw all my 'issues' into this one category and blame everything on it.

but it helps me understand why i respond the way i do, 

and to learn to live in truth rather than perception.

after a few weeks of processing that,

i went to nurture again this morning.

we had an awesome speaker talk about how

God is enough.

i'm not even sure that the two talks totally correlated,

but for me, 

it was such a healing morning.

it was also a super convicting morning.

i think in my need to be perfect, 

it often leads me to an unhealthy place of discontentment and comparison.

i look at others faith, possessions, vacations, etc (etc etc) 

and think how much better life would be if i had that.

there is nothing good or healthy about this...

and i find myself over and over thinking 'if only'.

how sinful and ridiculous is this?

this is the life God has blessed me with.

this is the home, the car, the food, the friends, the _______ God has given me.

and it is good.

so why must i wish it all away?

what is it that i think i don't have enough of?

that would make my life so much better?

because really...

'i've got EVERYTHING that i need... right in front of me'

especially this week,

as we approach easter.

how could i think that what i have is insufficient?

an unbelievably amazing husband.

healthy, happy children.

a home that is plenty big enough and more than nice enough.

food to eat.  every day.

a wonderful job for my husband.

more friends than i can keep in touch with.

a family that loves me and supports me.

clothes. 2 cars. a computer. a bed to sleep in. 

i could type for hours.

but most importantly...

a savior that died for ME.

that i might have life.  and life abundantly.

what more do i want?

what i have is enough.

it is easy to fall into old patterns.

for me, it is to let the hurts of my past determine my outlook for today.

God wants more for me.

and that more is that He is enough.

in every circumstance.

every joy.

every pain.

every disappointment.

every insecurity.

every provision.

He wants us to move forward in health and truth.

to live with His inexplicable joy regardless of any other circumstances in life.

God is here.

my Jesus died so that i can experience the fullness of all He has to offer.

and so can you.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness."

2 Peter 1:3




we were able to watch an amazing video this morning at nurture.
you can see a clip of it here from you tube
(you can buy the whole video here)