discouragement and doubt

i walked into church this morning discouraged.

one week ago today,

we found out we have to move,

and move quickly.

i was determined to have a good attitude about it.

i have spent hours praying.

i believed that god was doing something in our family,

and he had the perfect home in mind for us.

and then i spent four days house-hunting,

only to find the houses in our price range are either:

*super sketchy.  like, boarded up windows and electrical wires loudly buzzing overhead sketchy.

*in neighborhoods with schools rated a 2 out of 10.

*tiny.  as in, no kitchen table and down-sizing to a love seat instead of a couch.

*far, far away.  goodbye community.

*still rocking 1973 clouded mirrored walls and other non-awesome historical artifacts.

we have even looked  on the way-high end of our budget, 

thinking maybe we can stretch ourselves-

only to find very little of promise.

no luck.

we have gone through tanks of gas searching for a home.

i'm not looking for anything huge and fancy.

i would just like a clean, relatively modern home in which i won't get shot and my kids can go to a school that isn't rated uber-poorly.

this is especially important considering the services jackson needs.

i would love for our home to be close enough to the church

 to actually have people over, for ministry to be happening in our home.

(where we currently live, people, especially students, just don't want to drive to)

i'd love a home that would allow me to continue to do photography... 

nothing fancy like a studio, just a small little space.  

( i currently use charlotte's room and it is working just fine)

i want to find a home that we can settle into for a few years, 

where our kids can stay at one school for awhile.

where we can seek to develop relationships with our neighbors 

and invest in our community.

(this will be jackson and bella's fourth home).

admittedly,

i am frustrated.

tired.

weary.

angry.

disappointed.

finding a home was supposed to be the easy part.
i still have the whole packing and moving aspect that we haven't even touched.

we visited two different families this weekend who recently moved into 'perfect' little homes.
what should have been an in-my-face example of god's provision
did just the opposite.

i found that it only discouraged me more....

like all the good houses had already been taken or something.

when i really broke it down,

i was beginning to doubt that god was actually going to provide for us.

that he cared about this part of our lives.

but more than that,

i started to think that maybe if i was a 'better' christian i would find a home.

that god was disappointed with me, and therefore withholding his favor.
maybe, if i had been reading my bible more, i could live in east side costa mesa.

ridiculous, yes.
but i had allowed these lies to sink into my heart and overtake me.

thank goodness today was sunday.

i walked into church this morning, and was immediately overwhelmed with emotion.

the worship was full of songs about god's great love for us.

his provision in times of trial.

the sermon a reminder of the power of the holy spirit, and that god is not disappointed in me.

with tears streaming down my face, i remembered who my god really is.

not a god who withholds or seeks to discourage me,

but a god who loves me more than i can possibly understand.
even more, a god who knows exactly what i need,
and when i need it.

for this reason i bow my knees before the Father,

from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,

that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you 

to be strengthened with power

through His Spirit in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-

that you, being rooted and grounded in love,

may have strength to comprehend with all the saints

what is the breadth and length and height and depth,

and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge,

that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly

than all we ask or think,

according to the power at work within us,

to Him be glory in the church 

and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,

forever and ever more.

amen.

-ephesians 3:14-21

am i guaranteed the perfect home with hardwood floors and new cabinetry?

absolutely not.
is his love somehow reflected in what house i live in?
of course not.
in fact, i am blessed to just have a roof over my head- that is so much more than far too many people around the world, whom god also loves, do not have.

but is my God able to provide a home for my family?

does he love and care for me more than i can comprehend?

is He here, now, listening as i cry out to Him?

does He have a plan for us?

the answer, of course, is yes.

how grateful i am that i serve a god

who is not fickle like i am.

i step out onto the sea and immediately doubt at the first winds that blow,

forgetting that he has the power to calm those wind and waves.

my god is mighty to save,

and how he loves me,

and loves my family.

i don't know where we are going to be living in a few weeks.

and i can't say the anxiety and doubt are totally gone.

but i am grateful today for a reminder of who he is,

both in power of his spirit,  and in his unconditional, unending love.

***sidenote.  i recognize there are MUCH bigger problems than having to move, and that it has only been a week.  but this is where i'm at right now, and i would love your prayers and our family looks for the home god will provide for us.  i want to learn whatever it is he has for us, so my faith can be stronger when even larger trials come our way.