Thursday, October 6, 2011

green eyes

i've had a lot of time by myself lately.
(well, by myself with 3 kids....)

some of that is really good.
i'd been running at such a busy pace back in fresno,
it's good to have time.
to stop.
think.
reflect.

i am also having the opportunity to meet a lot of new people.

sadly, i find a continual pattern happening in my life.
insecurity.
discontent.
jealousy.

over and over,
i look at myself, what i have, and think it's not good enough.
i personally am not good enough.
what i say and do is not good enough.
what i have is not good enough.
i need to be more in order for others to accept me.

in my head, i know this is a lie.
so why do i allow it to continually creep back into my heart?

my insecurity leads to a lack of contentment.
i start to question what i have.
my house is too small.
my couch is so old and dirty.
i am chubby and unstylish.
blah, blah, blah.

my discontent leads to jealousy.
i see what others have,
and i wish i had it too.

i want their house.
their car.
their haircut.
their outfit.
their vacation.
their bank account.
their shopping ability.

the green-eyed 'want' monster comes creeping in to my life far too often.

i was reminded yesterday, the green-eyed monster is nothing but
sin.

to want what others have is to ignore how much God has given ME.

on a good day,
i look at my life and am overwhelmed by His faithfulness to me.
a loving, servant husband.
three healthy, happy children.
a beautiful home to live in.
a steady job for my husband.
food every single day.
clothes in all our closets.
a backyard to play in.
more friends than i can actually keep in touch with.
a God who loves me when i truly do not deserve it.
a savior who died.  for me.

so why is it that i can't remember this every single day?
why do i forget this simple truth,
and return to coveting the good fortune of others?

a sweet friend gave me a gift a few years back that sits on my kitchen counter.
i want it to be something that i see every day.
because everyday i need to be reminded that what i have is not good enough.

it is more than good enough.

i do not deserve any of the blessings my Father pours out upon me.
i am sinful, every single day.

yet He sees fit to love me,
provide for me,
 comfort me, 
and forgive me through every second of my life.

so why should i long for what others have?
Jesus created me specifically in my mother's womb.
He knew every day i would live.
He wants me to be exactly who He created ME to be.
not anyone else.

in truth,
this life i live is not mine at all.
it is HIS.
given to me.
for a price.

i should not only be content ,
but rejoice in every single second.



6 comments:

  1. Love this Shara! Have you heard or read "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp?? Beautifully convicting, especially in the area of gratitude. It wrecked me a few months ago. We sure miss you!

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  2. Love your perspective and totally understand the war between abundant blessings and seeing green! Well said!

    ahem...I am still jealous of you! :)

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  3. Hi Shara, You don't know me. I follow Jen Rumley's blog ( Jerrod Rumley married my husband and I in 2008) and have begun following your blog as well. I just wanted to let you know that I totally appreciate your honesty. I feel I can relate to most things you post. From what I read, you seem so gracefully humble through your struggles. As a Christian, working wife and (new) mommy, I know that we all struggle with being the "perfect" wife, "perfect" mommy, and "perfect" Christian. I am just learning that none of this "perfect" anxiety comes from the Lord. I can some what relate to being in a new place as well. My hubby and I
    had been married only a year, we had attended the well for several years (loved it) and were loving our little place in Clovis. Then my husband got accepted to
    dental school in Buffalo, NY. Wow, that was a shocker(not to mention freezing)
    and everything you mentioned in your post are things that seemed more
    pronounced to me after moving to a new area. That was 2 years ago and we
    now have a church that we love, more friends than we can count and have a
    beautiful 15 month old.... The green eyed monster still visits me of course. I
    recently started reading the book " Having a Mary Heart in a Martha world" it has
    really made me focus on what I need to not dwell on (my biggest fault). So,
    thank you for being so honest...I have found your blog a true encouragement! (sorry about the essay ;)
    Kristin Combs

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  4. I am so thankful that you posted this. Reading your blog makes me realize that I'm not the only person in the world who struggles. I'm thankful for your honesty and realizing that I also have so much to be thankful for.

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  5. Hey Shara! You don't know me either, but Jeff and my husband Josh were coffee buds in Fresno. Josh liked Jeff's blog thoughts and thus I found you! and your pictures are absolutely gorgeous!

    in other news, this is exactly what I've been feeling lately and you took the words right out of my mouth. and I agree with Melissa, if you haven't, check out 1000 gifts. it's what you just said in a chapter book :)

    Fresno misses you, but way to persevere through the move! Jesus will provide strength.

    Karen Huckaby

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  6. you are honest. i will be too, i am sometimes jealous, and jealous of you. i think we all want what we can't have or what we haven't chosen. thanks for reminding me to dwell in what god has given me, instead of what he hasn't. i love you. for always.

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