empty squares

i am used to being busy.

normally, we have a full calendar.

things going on every day, every night.

honestly, it is probably way too much.

i usually feel overwhelmed by it all.

but now, my calendar is empty.

empty squares, every day of the week.

i'm trying to embrace it.

enjoy it.

(and i really am LOVING getting to be home with my kiddos!)

but truthfully, i don't really know what to do with myself.

since moving, i have been trying to keep myself busy.

organizing.

cleaning.

exploring.

i wake up every morning and create a list of 'to do's for the day.

in reality, 

i'm just trying to keep my mind busy.

i'm not ready for reality of my new life to hit.

for the 'missing' to fully sink in.

i find myself hiding.

my voicemail is full of messages.

texts come in.

it is hard for me to pick up. to answer.

everything in me wants to hide.

to retreat.

when i talk to someone back home, it all feels real.

this isn't some strange vacation.

i actually live here....

and my friends, my family are somewhere else.

i feel alone.

when i start to actually go there, think about the truth of my situation....

i have to stop myself.

it's just too hard right now to allow myself to feel.

to hurt.

to grieve.

the empty squares on my calendar remind me of how blank i feel right now.

i know it is going to get easier.

i will make friends.

(and i actually did make one.  thank you, corrine!!!! :)

this will become my home.

last sunday was jeff's first working sunday.

that meant i went to church alone.

i walked into the sanctuary, overcome with loneliness.

no one to sit with.

no one to talk to.

 for jeff, he has natural friendships waiting to be formed.

an entire office, staff, volunteers.... all right there.

i'm not sure who my friends will be.

or where they'll come from...

church, school, the neighborhood.

in truth- i don't actually know if i'm ready to make any.

i miss the ones i have too much.

too much to even talk to them about it.

i'm grateful in all of this to know that jesus has a plan.

He wants us here.

He brought us here.

He is going to take care of us.

of me.

He cares about every single one of my overwhelming fears and sadnesses.

i know that soon,

our calendar will be full again....

probably too full.

so for now, i am going to try really hard.... 

to enjoy the quiet.

embrace the silence.

invest in my children.

trust that my God has friendships waiting for me at the right time.

and my friendships back home will not be forgotten.

....and pick up the phone when it rings.